Washington D.C.—
After the Senate impeachment trial today, President Donald Trump’s lawyer Ken Starr, infamous for leading the carnival show that was President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial over lying about a blowjob, was asked by reporters how Trump was less deserving of removal from office than Clinton.
“It’s actually quite simple,” explained Starr to a Fox News correspondent. “If Trump had extorted the Ukrainian government in order to receive oral sex from President Zelensky, and then directed his administration and political allies to cover up the sexual quid pro quo by obstructing a Congressional investigation into the sex-related bribery, then it would be a crime worthy of impeachment. Instead, all President Trump did was use his public office to extort the Ukrainian government toward concocting a fake investigation into his political opponent for personal gain. While what President Trump did may sound bad and illegal, the precedent I set in the Clinton impeachment trial was that the only crimes worthy of impeachment involve sperm stains. Same deal with the Mueller Investigation. Had Trump given Vladimir Putin a blowy joey, we’d have quite a case of oral collusion on our hands. Instead, Trump merely asked Putin several times on live television to leak a bunch of Hillary Clinton’s emails that the Russian government had hacked. There’s no sperm stain, so what evidence could we even present to a grand jury? It has been said that I have the girthiest legal mind in America, and I honestly have no clue where to begin to prosecute that case! I’d be laughed out of court if I submitted as evidence clean clothes with no splooge stains anywhere! And it’s the same situation with Michael Cohen’s alleged campaign finance violations. Had Cohen slobbed the President’s knob, we’d obviously have a much bigger Constitutional problem than just Cohen paying out hush money right before an election and not declaring it as a campaign donation. Ditto for all these Emoluments Clause violations. Trump may be earning money from foreign governments buying out whole floors of his hotel for weeks at a time, but at no point has anyone, to my knowledge, alleged that Saudi or Turkish government employees staying in Trump hotels have ever given Trump a deep-throated blumpkin, a gobby blowjizzle, a waistline corn on the cob gobbling, a mouth-to-south resuscitation, a skin flute solo, a sucky f***y, or just an old-fashioned meat-beating. No sexual climax, no impeachment. That’s the Ken Starr rule!”
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