Heaven—
The US is bracing for another stormy winter thanks to the pent-up heat energy in the atmosphere, and God is reportedly pissed that climate change deniers are still refusing to recognize the reality of catastrophic global warming.
The Halfway Post caught up with God, and discussed the recent weather phenomena to which He, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to subject the United States.
“How many once-in-500-year-hurricanes do you a**holes need to be hit with every summer for you to take a f***ing hint to start ramping down carbon emissions and switch to healthy green energy?” God asked rhetorically. “Stop f***ing ruining My beautiful planet! You know how many species your carbon dioxide free-for-all and ludicrously wasteful urban sprawl has made go extinct? Oh, I’m sorry! I thought I was God! But I must have been wrong. Apparently you human f***holes are God, and it’s your decision which of My Creations get to live and die! So prepare yourselves for escalating floods and mudslides, lengthening tornado seasons, samples of Hell with massive forest fires out West, and the polar vortex moving south every winter deep into Texas!”
Asked for clarification if the extreme weather events were, in fact, intended to punish humans for our pollution crimes, God was not ambiguous.
“Earth is one of My favorite planets, and you’re all ruining it. I gave you ungrateful clods so many pleasant things, like puppies, kittens, recreational drugs, orgasms, color vision and ripe fruit, and this is how you thank Me? I intended for Earth to be green and blue, but you’ve cut down three-fourths of the trees, and fouled up the skies and acidifying saltwater. The oceans are supposed to be bountiful, but you’ve filled them up with chemicals and oil spills! There’s so much trash that you humans have literally created giant islands of plastic. If I had wanted there to be continents of garbage, I would have put them there. I am the Monodeity after all! And don’t even get Me started on humans’ rampant pollution, unsustainable exploitation, and suicidal mismanagement of freshwater rivers. But the joke’s on you idiots, it’s your planet! My supply of freshwater in Heaven is just fine!”
God then got more selective about blame for the environmental crimes.“And to think I even tried to send Al Gore to get you all back on the right track. I hope conservatives are thankful for the unfettered free market when every last natural resource has been depleted, and the planet becomes so inhospitable that cockroaches supplant you humans as the dominant species. Were a few decades of preposterous and criminally speculative stock profits worth the destruction of everything natural on your planet? Actually, f*** it, from now on every conservative who continues to deny climate change is gonna get a cockroach infestation in their homes! And I’ll make the cockroaches six feet long, and give them razor sharp claws and teeth accompanied with an unquenchable thirst for human blood. Just remember that, you climate-skeptic morons! I can force all you conservatives off the continents I benevolently allow you to live on, and you can go live on your trash islands. Better learn to like eating plastic real quick. Ha! Think of it as karma for all My beloved sea animals with stomachs filled with plastic you don’t give a s*** about! It will be like part one of the Rapture, and the liberals still on the continents I approve of will create a socialist paradise sharing all the free homes, property, and wealth of the banished f***wit conservatives who can’t interpret My unambiguous signals that it’s time to stop ruining Earth. It will become a communist utopia… like Jesus wanted.”
God took a sip of His soy chai latte.
“Honestly, I just can’t with you humans anymore. I just caaaaaant.”
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