Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post scored an exclusive interview with a McDonalds employee who alleges that President Donald Trump can eat six big macs in one sitting. Mr. Trump also reportedly paid the employee $150,000 to not reveal the embarrassing, daily dietary ritual.
The fast food cashier requested anonymity regarding her name because she had signed a nondisclosure agreement with Mr. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, though she noted that so many of her McDonalds colleagues have signed similar, paid nondisclosure agreements regarding the President’s shocking stomach capacity that even the publishing of her gender and city of residence (D.C.) would not pinpoint her as the leaker.
“Mr. Trump rarely comes into the McDonalds restaurant himself,” explained the cashier, “But we know when the order is for him because it’s always the same. Six big macs, three chocolate shakes, and two orders of large fries, extra salt. He also always requests fifteen packets of mayonnaise on the side, and, if we miscount, the driver who picks up Trump’s order comes back through the drive-through window to get exactly fifteen. If the driver doesn’t get exactly fifteen packets of mayonnaise and doesn’t come back for them, we meet a new driver the next day.”
The cashier used the $150,000 payment to pay off all her debts from college, her car, her credit cards, and the remainder of her parent’s house mortgage.
“The money really came in handy,” she said. “It’s amazing that Trump is so self-conscious about his eating habits that he’s willing to spend so much. Although, honestly, it has obviously backfired on him, because there’s just so many employees that work at McDonalds that see his order coming in everyday. That’s a lot of people to pay off. If he’s willing to pay McDonalds employees so much money to hide the number of calories he consumes every day, just imagine how wrapped around Putin’s pinky finger he is when Putin reportedly has incriminating sex tapes, decades’ worth of information regarding money laundering schemes, and knowledge of Trump’s many Russia mafia ties… sometimes it scares me how much damage Trump is doing to this country.”
However, despite the big pay day that the cashier received from Trump, she spent the money responsibly to set herself up for a self-sufficient future.
“The money couldn’t have come at a better time. Republicans have really handicapped my generation by refusing to competently or intelligently govern over our nation’s growing crises in education, healthcare, the safety net, and climate change. I mean, Republicans have made it very obvious they don’t give a shit about the future of America, or the world. This tax cut they passed is the most selfish, brainless economic legislation I have ever seen. Rich Republicans, quite literally, are screwing over America so they can cash out, leave Congress, and then pass on their money to their douchy Republican kids as tax-free as possible so their kids can go on thinking they’re genius entrepreneurs by being lucky enough to have born to greedy as hell, corrupt Congresspeople. So in a way, this big mac money Trump’s lawyer set me up with was like an epic progressive tax cut just for me. My family has been poor my entire life, but now I’m totally debt free. I still haven’t found a good-paying job despite my advanced college education, so I’m currently still stuck at McDonalds, but Republicans won’t have full control of the government forever. It won’t be too long before Democrats take back power and raise the minimum wage, fund infrastructure, and start investing in America again. I miss Obama’s stable, competent governance literally every day.”
(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)
The Halfway Post 
3 thoughts