Atlanta, GA—
Local Atlanta man Al Portman just turned 50 today, and has committed to stop being a compassionate liberal, and start being publicly angry at minorities, feminists, Muslims, Millennials, the volume of his neighbors’ music, diner waitresses, craft beer, and new technology.
“They always say that people start off as bleeding heart liberals and become heartless conservatives as they age, and now that I’m 50 I suppose it’s my turn to keep up this timeless tradition,” said Portman.
To enact his lifestyle change, Portman plans to change his voting party affiliation and scrub his Facebook page of various posts he has published in recent years supporting issues like universal healthcare, $15 minimum wage increases, climate change action, Palestinian statehood, and gay marriage.
“It’s going to be a big change for my family,” Portman said, “And my kids don’t support it, but I’m sure those libtards will understand when they’re older. Right now I’m memorizing some airtight talking points I learned from Fox News about how individual climate scientists are profiting more from the global warming hoax than international coal and oil companies ever have!”
Portman recently bought a rocking chair for his porch so he can sit outside and yell at local kids and dog walkers to stay off his lawn, and later turned all his televisions to Fox News and smashed the remote controls with a hammer so they can’t be changed to any other channel.
Asked two days later in a follow-up interview how the political transformation was going, Portman explained that it was going great.
“I’m an absolute dick now, I love it!” he said. “A month ago I’d have hated the person I’m becoming, but the old me was a brainwashed, college-educated elitist! All my values are just so simple now that I’ve vowed to never think critically ever again. Hell, let’s bomb Iran, cut taxes to zero, let corporations dump whatever into the river, and abolish the Department of Energy. Will there be negative consequences? Who cares! It’s not like the Energy Department is in charge of nukes or something important!”
Portman then cracked open a lite beer and turned on his yard sprinkler system to spray a neighbor whose dog was sniffing around his mailbox.
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