Donald Trump Admits He’s Never Read A Single Book Cover To Cover

Washington D.C.

In a bizarre press conference today, President Donald Trump waxed poetically on disparate topics, including Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, the activity of reading books, and accurate spelling.

The following is Mr. Trump’s inflammatory rant in response to a question asking what he thought about the prospect of facing off against Mr. Buttigieg in the general election.

“Mayor Pete, I like Mayor Pete, I think he’s a nice guy. He can speak a lot of languages, but that’s not what we want, is it? We like English here in America. He can keep his Norwegian, and his Spanish, and whatever they speak in France, and his Pig Latin. I’ll keep with American English. Can’t beat it. Not even the British do it like we do it. We do it the best. Mayor Pete likes to read a lot. I’ve been hearing a lot about how much he reads. I love reading, too. Went to Wharton, was one of the best in my class. I did a lot of reading in Wharton. About business. But I didn’t get so good at making deals by reading a lot of books, I can tell you that. To tell you the truth, even in college I knew more than any of the books could ever teach me. You have to be born with it, and I was born with one of the great intellects of all time. No book can teach you how to be Donald Trump. In fact, I’ve never even finished a book. Never needed to. I always know the end way before I get halfway through. I’m one of the greats at reading, and that’s why I don’t have to read much. Almost ever. I don’t think I’ve opened a book in two and a half years as President. But I’ve written quite a few. I’ve actually written more books than I’ve read. How many people can say that? Best-sellers, too. Almost got a Pulitzer. Should have gotten a Pulitzer, but that whole process is rigged. It’s a total joke. I’ve heard from so many people—you wouldn’t believe how many people think The Art of the Deal should have gotten a Pulitzer, a Nobel, all of it. Top-seller. Sold millions of copies. Millions and millions. But you know how it goes. Just like how the Fake News say I can’t spell. I can spell, I guarantee it. I’m one of the greats at spelling. Covfefe was just a code. Just a code, everyone. Only a few people know what it means, but they got the message, I promise you that. It was a great message, great code. They told me it was the greatest code they ever heard. Unbreakable code. No one can break my Twitter codes. The Democrats, they try. The Fake News tries, but they will never break my codes. They’re the dumbest people you’ve ever heard of. They haven’t got a clue. My tweets are so far over their heads they can’t believe how far. Cause I’m one of the greats at cyber, maybe of all time. No one does cyber like me. Not even book-lover Mayor Pete. The Art of the Deal isn’t written in Norwegian, so he can’t read that one, can he? And I don’t want to say it, I told myself I wouldn’t say it, they don’t want me to say it, but he’s gay. You know, the Evangelicals, they don’t like the gay stuff. I don’t want to say it, but they’re, like, way against it. Cause of the Bible. The Bible is just tremendous, isn’t it, folks? You know, you’re not allowed to say it anymore, but the Bible is a great book. After The Art of the Deal, the Bible should get a Pulitzer, don’t you think? Isn’t it about time? You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but the Bible is actually two books, not just one. They have an Old Testament and they have a New Testament. The Art of the Deal might be the Newest Testament, don’t you think? Maybe someday there will be three Bibles. Who knows? Actually, a lot of people don’t know this, but in each testament are a lot of smaller books. Great books. Some of the best books of all time, really. I love them. Read them all the time. You wouldn’t believe how much I read them. In fact, one of my favorites is… did I mention Mayor Pete is gay?”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)