Dallas, TX—
Televangelist and prosperity gospel preacher Kenneth Copeland today claimed Jesus was “totally cool” with his net worth and how much money he spent on his lavish lifestyle.
“Look, I talk to Jesus all the time,” said Mr. Copeland. “I fly around all the time on my private planes, and when you’re high up in the sky you are physically closer to Heaven so Jesus hears your prayers way better. And answers them, and Jesus tells me I’m living exactly the way He wants me to live. Jesus told me that if He didn’t want me to be rich, he wouldn’t have allowed the US government to have so many tax loopholes for me and my televangelist friends to hoard so much money that’s generated from our church congregants. Jesus also said He wants me to enjoy the fruits that come from hoarding so much personal wealth, and He wants me to have a good time while on my plane. Sometimes Jesus even joins in. He magically teleports from the clouds onto my jet, turns all our water bottles into holy wine, and we party. Jesus really gets down.”
When asked by a Halfway Post reporter if Copeland was accurately interpreting Jesus’s message in the Bible, Copeland was adamant that Ronald Reagan had successfully convinced Jesus that the frugal, charitable monasticism He preached in the New Testament was passé.
“Jesus really learned in the 80s that charity breeds dependency, and that’s why Jesus is now a fully committed capitalist,” said Copeland. “Everyone is liberal when they’re young, and it’s the same with Jesus. When Jesus was preaching a proto-communism throughout Judea in the first century, he was only about 30-years-old. A total senseless bleeding heart liberal, am I right? But now Jesus is a couple thousands years old, and he understands that the only way to encourage economic growth is to ignore anyone who doesn’t provide value to the stock market because they’re worthless and expendable. Jesus would never multiply loaves of bread for a bunch of homeless losers in 2020, and the idea that Jesus would be against charging interest for loans like the money lenders did in the ancient Temple is ludicrous.”
Our Halfway Post reporter stared at Copeland for a moment in disbelief.
“Jesus loves making money,” continued Copeland. “In fact, in Heaven, Jesus actually runs the top real estate company and gets a big kick out of evicting the poor from their Heavenly homes if they can’t pay rent on time. Jesus is a hardcore Republican now. In fact, He told me He can’t even read the New Testament anymore because he’s so embarrassed by what a libtard he used to be. It’s been a total 180 for Jesus. Jesus told me just a couple months ago on my private jet that he learned the lesson of not hanging out with lepers the hard way. Now he hates sick people and is a bit of a germophobe. And he’s really against universal healthcare. He hates the idea of a governmental healthcare plan like Medicare-for-All, and says that God hates everyone with pre-existing conditions. And I have to say, Jesus has a point. If people have pre-existing conditions, obviously God doesn’t love them. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do the math on that one! But I digress, the point of this is that all my idiot congregants and followers need to up their donations. If I’m going to continue getting lit with Jesus in my private jet a mile up above all you pissants I need more money for that expensive jet fuel! It’s getting hard because of this coronavirus bullshit! People aren’t coming in to my church and giving me money. Those selfish bastards. The minute things get rough, my congregants stop tithing me their 10%. So selfish. I’m struggling more than they are. Those morons are all used to being poor because they give me all their money for ‘seed donations.’ Not me. My mansion and small army of servants require a fortune to keep going. You know how much I have to pay to keep all the orifices in my large collection of Japanese sex robots clean? A lot. So I’m not used to economic uncertainty, which is why my idiot congregants need to keep shelling out. I deserve their money more than they do. Give me that money! I want more money! Cash! No stupid checks or credit card transfers with paper trails! Cold, hard cash I don’t have to claim! Seriously, my sex robots are getting really gross. In another couple days I’m going to have to start using the black ones because I’ve already splooged all over the white ones! And it takes me way longer to climax when I don’t have a white sexbot!”
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