Heaven—
In a frank conversation with God, the Creator of the universe, admitted to The Halfway Post that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.
“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those things are the s***. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in technology to go out there for ten seconds. I love how you all think I designed the universe specifically for you. I designed the universe specifically for tardigrades!”
God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
“You humans are always sucking yourselves off anthropocentrically,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night, and I phoned it in. No cool features. You have no fangs, wings, shells, hyper-acidic digestive systems, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladders for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion, bioluminescence… nothing. I’m embarrassed to take credit.”
When the Halfway Post reporter suggested God was being hard on Himself, God disagreed and said that He was just being honest.
“Pretty much all I did was rip off my chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, boobs and brains. But I think you’ll agree it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive comparing their penis size that self-genocide is a recurring problem. And your big brains are barely used for more than self-absorption. The boobs are cool, though. Usually for sexual ornamentation I just make the males of a species real colorful, but I gave female humans such heavy mammary glands that they get back problems. Intelligent design, am I right? For real, though, the idea that I made the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest s*** I’ve ever heard. Right… I created poison ivy, quicksand, great white sharks, gonorrhea, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, sinkholes, annual influenzas, and asteroids because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows, hugs, and love for humanity. Give me a break! It’s for tardigrades!”
God then offered our Halfway Post reporter some cocaine, which led to a night that both regretted in the morning.
Thanks for another lively interview, God.
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(Picture courtesy of Ted Van Pelt.)
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