Washington D.C.—
According to OANN insiders, the ultra-conservative, pro-Trump cable news network has promised President Donald Trump all their prime time hours to rant about whatever he wants on a day-to-day basis when he loses this November in a landslide.
Financial numbers have not been confirmed yet, but The Halfway Post has learned that preliminary talks are offering Trump a contract in the hundreds of millions.
“Negotiations are having a little hiccup at the moment,” explained an OANN executive, who requested anonymity to discuss early details of the deal. “Trump really wants to rename OAN as ‘Trump News Network’ because he’s obviously an egomaniac, and he wants to stick it to CNN by hosting a show on a channel called TNN. We’re cool with the name change because, let’s be honest, our content is total trash right now, and the only consistent viewers we have are raving lunatics who think the government and Hollywood are literally filled with lizard aliens from space, so a rebranding is totally fine with our board of directors. Adding Trump’s name would be a giant step toward the mainstream, and, of course, give us a massive, ready audience. Trump’s supporters are a media executive’s dream in that they’re mindless dolts caught up in the persecution-complexed euphoria of demagogic xenophobia, so they’ll follow Trump straight to our channel and never turn their TVs off. If we can get Trump to commit, it will be a total cash cow! We’re going to destroy Fox News. They’ll lose 3/4ths of their audience overnight when Trump gets on our channel and starts calling Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and everyone else fake news. It’ll be amazing. Conservatives are obsessed with pavlovian loyalty as a cornerstone personality trait of their psyches, and Trump’s fans are the most brainless of all! They’ll flip on a dime and never watch Fox News again, even after watching it daily for over 20 years. I love conservative audiences. You keep your soul in liberal media, but you make way more easy money in conservative media. You literally don’t have to know anything to be a star in conservative entertainment. To earn the trust of liberal viewers you need to study up on things, and find all kinds of research and charts and graphs to identify nuanced socio-economic problems and offer complex solutions… whereas to earn the trust of conservative viewers all you have to do is blame the government and say that we shouldn’t bother fixing any life problems or economic exploitation because it will infringe upon our freedom. You save so much money on not having to do any research or fact-checking. And a Trump News Network will be perfect at this racket. It’s going to be awesome. Not for America, or democracy, but I and the rest of OAN’s executives are going to become filthy rich from this.”
The OANN executive also noted some challenges up ahead for TNN if they can sign Trump.
“However, giving Trump his own show has its own host of challenges. First off, Trump wants a contract worth over a billion dollars, but we know the second he gets his own show he’s going to spew all kinds of insanity, conspiracy theories, and probably inspire a robust amount of domestic terrorism, so our network needs to be prepared financially for the inevitable lawsuits, you know? That’s going to have to cut into his salary a bit. Look at Fox News right now. Fox is being sued for the journalistic negligence of telling all their viewers that coronavirus wasn’t real and that it posed no threat to public health because Trump wanted them to pretend America would be immune to the pandemic. Trump says astonishingly terrible things even while Dr. Fauci briefs him every single day, so just imagine the horribly inaccurate and medically dangerous things Donald Trump is going to say when he’s out of office and has no briefings at all. It’s going to get very ugly. And on top of that, he’s going to be so butt-hurt about losing. I’m going to try my best to convince him not to use our television network to advocate for a new civil war because he lost, but… well, everyone knows he’s mentally a six year old. Either way, I’m going to be fabulously rich so **** it!”
The executive shared with The Halfway Post a few early ideas for prospective gags for a show hosted by Donald Trump:
- A weekly bikini contest with Trump being the judge
- A daily segment where Republican Congressional candidates compete in Fear Factor-esque competitions to win his endorsement
- A segment where Trump brings up audience members to compete in a gameshow called “Who Said It?” where contestants guess if selected quotes were said by Donald Trump or Hitler
- A World’s Worst segment a la Keith Olbermann where Trump rants about his least favorite journalists and news hosts
- On Fridays a poetry reading by Trump to show off his surprisingly poignant literary interests
- Product placement opportunities for Trump to eat various fast food menu items and judge them on a scale from “failing” to “big, beautiful tremendous!”
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