Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post just obtained a copy of a leaked memo distributed to top Republican Party officials concerning the GOP’s political strategy following a Trump loss on November 3rd.
The following is the full contents of the memo:
TOP SECRET
Hey everyone,
Polls are looking very bad for the GOP, and early voting really suggests we’re headed for a shellacking, so we have to be prepared to hit the ground running if Biden wins. We’ve been going through all the questionnaires we got back from top fundraisers and party leaders about ideas on how to pivot to a post-Trump political paradigm, and there is general consensus that the Republican strategy after Trump ought to be to just ignore the last 4 years entirely.
We have outlined the following positions points to rally around opposition to Joe Biden:
- Trump: When any media person asks you about the plethora of crimes, moral dilemmas, busted-norms, and other scandals of the Trump Administration, distance yourself. Say “I don’t recall,” or “The Republican Party doesn’t look backward, only forward,” or “Trump was secretly a Democrat the whole time.” Our voters have fishbowl memories, and will completely forget all about Donald Trump when we hype up AOC as the new Hillary Clinton Hell demon of evil socialism.
- Debts, deficits, and tax cuts=growth: A Democrat will be headed back to the White House, so you know what that means! The debt matters again! Under no circumstances allow the media to discuss the massive debts Trump ran up. Remember, Trump DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE!
- Trump kids: The surveys were very split on the issue of the Trump kids’ continued involvement in Republican politics. 55% of respondents said they thought Ivanka might make a good future senator, 33% of respondents said Donald Jr. might make a good future presidential candidate if he agreed to periodic drug-testing, and no one said they wanted to see Eric continue on in politics. We’ve decided to table this issue for now because of the likelihood that they committed copious crimes with Donald Trump, and will go to prison.
- Senate: If Biden wins, there is a strong chance Democrats will also take the Senate majority. They appear to be poised to gut the filibuster, which will drastically limit our ability to commit subterfuge. Our goal is to somehow water down or stall Democrats’ inevitable voting rights bills because that issue is an existential threat to the GOP, but our best hope on that now lies with the Supreme Court ruling all Democratic laws unConstitutional. Trump’s three judges have all secretly sworn to an “Originalist” interpretation of Constitutionalist voting rights, as in only white males with property can vote, but we still need two more Supreme Court votes to strike down Democratic plans to increase voting access and protections. We wanted to give Blacks 3/5ths of a vote to be cast only by the top-ranking Republican official in their counties, but we thought that might make it harder to get Clarence Thomas to vote with us.
- Guns: Back to the usual strategy of saying Joe Biden wants to take away everyone’s guns. Our voters fall for this every year no matter how many Democratic presidents and Congresses never repeal the Second Amendment.
- Abortion: This issue will be much easier for us when Trump is gone, and our party standard-bearer isn’t a serially raping adulterer who probably financed several abortions himself.
- COVID: The second Joe Biden takes over on January 20th, COVID becomes his problem. Biden said not to wear masks back in February, and though he said that when there were only a few dozen cases in America and the entire country didn’t need, in fact, to wear masks, let’s run with that quote. Let’s say that Trump took Biden’s advice, so all of the COVID cases and deaths are actually because Joe Biden gave such terrible advice. It’s disingenuous and absurdly hypocritical, but that’s the kind of talking point we Republicans do best!
From The Halfway Post vault:
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