Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump may have lost reelection, but the Trump dynasty is expected to continue with Mr. Trump’s children.
Eric Trump threw his hat in the ring for Election 2024 today in a YouTube video he uploaded to his Tumblr blog this afternoon promising he will redeem his father’s political coalition.
“I will be the next Trump president!” exclaimed Eric, wearing a hat embroidered with “MAGAA” on it, which he later explained stood for Make America Great Again Again. “I have what it takes, and, trust me, you don’t want Ivanka to be President. She’s way too stuck up, and a total B. And Donald Jr.? Let’s just say you might want to drug test him before you let him put his name on any primary ballots. But I have the skills and the talents needed to bring Republicans back into the executive branch. Let’s go down the list. Fundraising? I’m amazing at fundraising, and I have a secret weapon: a brand new kids’ cancer charity. It’s fool-proof. I will raise so much money for Republicans up and down the ballot collecting hundreds of millions in donations to my nonprofit, and then transitioning that money into Republican Party bank accounts by hosting big elaborate events at whatever Trump properties survive my father’s coming bankruptcy and confiscations from the state of New York. I don’t know why the GOP hasn’t thought of this strategy themselves. It’s great! It’s a nonprofit, so we don’t have to pay any taxes on the donations, and we can then charge massive prices during the banquets and galas we host for all the food and flowers and whatnot to get the fundraising money fast and easy. See? I know how to ensure Republicans can outspend Democrats at least two-to-one! Art of the deal, right? And my administration’s policies will improve a lot on my father’s policies. I feel like he wasted a lot of valuable time watching cable news every day, but I promise to be a much more focused president. Besides, I find Sean Hannity’s television show to be quite a gauche and sordid spectacle of partisan hubris. My father has always had a weakness for mindlessly complimentary suck-ups, but not me. Also, my administration will be very much my own. My father had some odd hiring practices that were really quite dependent on physical appearances. For instance, he refused to hire ugly women and fat men, but I believe he limited himself by excluding a lot of smart people purely for superficial reasons. When I’m president, I promise I’ll fill my administration with lots of fatties and uglies as long as they’re administratively capable! So vote Eric in 2024, not Ivanka or Don Jr.!”
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