Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump just announced wild, truly surprising post-presidency plans on Twitter:
“Since Joe Biden cheated so much to take my job, I’ve decided I’m going to run for Pope instead of continuing my election legal challenges (even though I could totally win them all easily because the fraud was so obvious!!!) Let’s see how he likes being President when I become his Catholic boss and can tell him what to do! MAGA!”
“And it will be so easy! Pope Francis is even sleepier and more brain-dead than Biden! I’ve already got Rudy Giuliani snooping around the Vatican as we speak, so we’ll be finding out very soon if there are any Papal laptops lying around! People are saying Pope Francis is the most crooked, corrupt, and low energy Pope we’ve ever had!”
“So effective immediately I’m changing my name to a more Italian-sounding name to better fit into the Roman Catholic scene. You can now call me Donaldino Trumpini. Actually, call me Father Trumpini! And I will win with 90% of all the Pope votes (unless that election is rigged against me like all the others)!”
“I will be a tremendous Pope. Believe me. I’m going to make being Catholic great again! The other Popes will be calling me up and telling me they can’t believe what a great job I’m doing for Catholics. Because I never sin. Nobody sins less than me! And just wait to see how I take that Pope hat and make it 100 times better!”
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