Washington D.C.—
There is tension brewing in the televangelist world as President Donald Trump is reportedly looking into launching a televangelist ministry to raise money to pay off his substantial personal debts.
Yesterday, a meeting of the Five Families in The Commission, headed by Joel Osteen, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Jim Bakker, and Pat Robertson met to discuss how to respond to Trump’s potential entrance into the televangelist racket.
“Kenneth Copeland immediately wanted to kneecap Trump to send him a message,” explained an insider informant who would only discuss the meeting under anonymity for fear of his life, “but Joel Osteen cautioned patience. He pointed out that Trump has failed at pretty much everything he has ever done, from Trump Steaks, to Trump Airlines, to being a one-term president, and said their fears that Trump’s competition would ever cut into their own ministry profits were overblown. Creflo Dollar then suggested The Commission invite Trump to their next meeting to let him know they were willing to accommodate him as long as he stayed out of their regional turfs.”
Pat Robertson and Jim Bakker were not so open to the idea of a Church of Trump.
“Bakker got a little upset, and accused the other family heads of capitulating to an even bigger fraud than all of them,” said the insider. “He complained that Trump knew the least about Christianity than everyone there at the table, and would make their televangelism look bad by association. He pointed out that Trump doesn’t even try to pretend he cares about Jesus. Then Pat Robertson finally spoke up, and agreed with Bakker that Trump would inevitably discredit their very profitable prosperity gospel churches with his bad business sense, gaudy personal vanity, and utter disregard for moderation of any kind. Copeland pointed out that Trump would betray them all if he thought it would earn him $5, and that The Commission ought to be allied against him for its own existential sake. He warned that a Church of Trump could implode so badly it might even threaten their holy grail of profits: televangelists’ tax-free status. Hearing that, Creflo Dollar vomited, Joel Osteen broke down into tears, and the matter was settled that The Commission would unanimously oppose any effort by Trump to cut into their racket. Kenneth Copeland said that one day soon Trump was going to wake up with some of his beloved Diet Coke cans decapitated in his bed.”
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